Up North
by PPP SSC
Summary: Coach Z wants to see his mother again after a long time. He invites the gang to come along. Rated PG for Coach Z being himself.


Hello, people, I was still working on chapter 4 of Pathetic Private when I wrote this. But my idea can't stay inside me for so long.

Oh yes, I do not own Coach Z or other FCUSA residents, nor am I the government of Wisconsin. Kind of sad, really.

_A middle aged, slender man stood in the breeze. It was 5 a.m. and nobody from his town would be awake at this hour. Although, recently, he has been having dreams. Dreams of his life back in the north. The man's name is Ezekiel. Most of the people living around him called him Coach Z, because with a name like Ezekiel nobody would respect him, or so he thought. He stood in the breeze with his eyes closed as the sun rose. He remembered steak dinners at home, visiting the Great Lakes, and shoveling snow out of the driveway from November to March… okay so every place has its faults. He walked to the locker room and started putting balls back in the net bag. He hummed a little tune to himself. He looked into the small office he never showed to anyone in the back. He saw a small framed picture of him and his Ma, clearly happy, though their faces were emotion free, as always. It is hard to express feelings when you don't have a mouth or eyebrows. He went to fetch a glass of bourbon and a little of something else from his friend, Bubs._

"Bubs!" Coach Z exclaimed, "I'll need some bourbon and something else!"

"What do you need?" Bubs asked his friend. "Beer, whiskey, a scotch, or…" he pauses and gasps, "A frou-frou drink?"

"Very funny" Coach Z said sarcastically. "I am not an addict!" he yelled angrily.

Bubs said, obviously stifling laughter, "Sure you aren't." Coach Z was addicted to drinking, and this was very true. Fortunately, his addiction didn't make him violent or abrasive in any way. It only made him weird.

Coach Z looked back at Bubs and said, "What I need is for you to deliver invites for me to drive people to Wisconsin…"

Bubs looked at Coach Z suspiciously, "Aha! You want to go to Wisconsin to drink all the beer from their pubs!"

Coach Z said angrily, "You are so difficult! Since when was my name Norm? How do you know I'm not going to Wisconsin because I have a family there who probably misses me and inviting the others because I want them to meet my Ma and the rest? Huh? How do you know that isn't so?"

Bubs looked guilty and said in a low tone, "I'm sorry. Sometimes I miss NY too." His sad tone turns to a happy one, "But there were all those crowds, and ghettos, and Broadway stars walking every which way and subways full of people." Coach Z knew that those were not the real problems with New York. It was just that in a city that huge population-wise in a state that dense, there wasn't enough money to go around. Like Coach Z did not like to admit his alcoholism, Bubs did not like to speak of his miserly obsession with money.

Coach Z asked, "So that means you'll do it?"

Bubs answered, "I sure will! Maybe next year we can go to New York!"

They playfully pushed each other around, which might have been cute if they were 10 years younger, but since they were in their late thirties (Bubs) and early forties (Coach Z), it looked a little bit like a midlife crisis.

Coach Z answered Bubs, "Nobody wants to visit New York. Why would anyone choose a buffalo wing over cheese?"

Bubs and Coach Z got in a little dogfight. They fought and fought for hours. When they were finally done, they decided to go invite people to come.

The brothers Strong were the first residents asked. "Please?" Bubs pleaded, "Coach Z really misses his mom!"

The middle child, Strong Bad scratched his head and then said, "Bimbo."

The baby of the family, Strong Sad, nudged his older brother so gently that even the most sensitive location on his body would not even be affected a little bit.

"We'd love to go," he said sweetly. Strong Sad didn't need to go to college to get a doctorate in benevolence. Considering how he was brought up, this is very impressive. "I bet Coach Z's mother is a very kind, open-minded, wonderful lady." Strong Sad lied. He was very much of a cynic but couldn't bring himself to say a demeaning word of anyone unrelated to him.

Strong Bad caved, "Okay, okay, we'll go! On one condition. You have to let me sit in the van WITHOUT a booster seat!"

Bubs burst out laughing. Strong Sad stifled a giggle. Strong Bad glared at his younger brother, stating, "You didn't think it was funny when you couldn't ride the sky-ride because people were afraid it would crash!"

"I'm just concerned that the seatbelt is going to get stuck on your cranium the size of Jupiter!" Bubs explained.

Strong Sad complained, "Can we stop making fun of each other's bodies?"

His older brother said in a tone that made it clear he was doing it again, "You're just saying that because your legs would make you lose!"

The oldest brother, Strong Mad, picked up his two brothers in his hands and yelled, "STOP FIGHTING!"

Strong Sad commented, "He's fighting, I'm just taking hits."

Bubs noted, "You know, that's kind of the norm in your family."

Strong Sad replied, "Well, that's still not what Strong Mad accused us of."

"STOP FIGHTING!" Strong Mad shouted at Strong Sad.

"We're not fighting. We're just having a discussion," Strong Sad tried to reassure his older brother.

"WHAT IS THAT?" Strong Mad asked Strong Bad.

"It's a prissy fight," Strong Bad answered.

"No, it's a harmless exposure of opposing opinions," Strong Sad argued.

"Which is pretty much a prissy way of saying prissy fight!"

"I prefer the term sophisticated!"

"Quit one-upping me!"

"Outsmarting you!"

Strong Mad asked, "DISCUSSION?"

"No," Strong Sad replied, "Now we're having a fight." Then he whispered to Strong Mad, "And I'm winning."

Strong Bad by this time was enraged. "You little crap! I'd be winning the whole time if this was a physical fight. Why use words?"

Strong Sad replied, "Because words can hurt, but blows can kill."

Strong Bad pounced on his little brother and started smacking him in the face repeatedly, punched his stomach twenty-five times and kicked him in the head. Although Strong Bad was pretty small and his build wasn't great, there was always someone he could easily beat in a brawl.

Bubs said, "Oh no, look what you did to Strong Sad!"

Strong Bad failed to see the seriousness of the situation. "So?"

"You're in big trouble if M-A-R-Z-I-Pan finds out. She'll eat you alive!" Bubs yelled.

"Only if I'm made of tofu," Strong Bad joked. But really, since Marzipan, the activist, cared about Strong Sad as if he were actually of use to the people around town, Bubs wasn't that far off. And Strong Bad knew it too.

Speaking of Marzipan, Coach Z was in the process of inviting her to come to Wisconsin.

"Maybe…" Marzipan said, "You're not going to… do anything with me, are you?"

"Not in front of my ma," Coach Z intuited, subliminally. Marzipan thought that Coach Z was a sick and creepy man.

Marzipan thought about it and finally agreed as long as Coach Z kept his hands, feet, face, and other stuff to himself. This could be interesting.

After Strong Sad's bruises had stopped throbbing, he went and asked Homsar, the "unwell" one around there, to go on the trip.

"If chocolate is Swedish then holes are Polish!" Homsar screamed insanely. Strong Sad took that as a yes.

Strong Bad went to ask Pom Pom, the popular and totally hot guy. "Please, man!" Strong Bad pleaded, "If you don't come, it will seem like a dorky little trip to some random place!"

Pom Pom raised his eyebrow and bubbled for a reason why his presence would make the trip itself any different.

"Because, you're Pom Pom!" Strong Bad explained, "I'm cool enough, but only for me."

Pom Pom bubble laughed. Then he agreed to go with them.

Marzipan asked her steady boyfriend, the feeble-minded Homestar if he wanted to go to Wisconsin. Even though he was a simpleton, Marzipan felt safer with Coach Z in front of Homestar.

Homestar didn't understand. "Why do we want to go to a place where we wis' for cons to sin?" he asked with the speech of a three year old.

Marzipan laughed, because Homestar's silliness and seriousness are hard to distinguish. "No, do you want to go to the state Coach Z's from?"

Homestar smiled as he said, "Yes please! Is that the state of insanity?"

Marzipan just had to giggle at that.

Pom Pom decided to ask the silent Poopsmith if he wanted to come. The Poopsmith politely declined for reasons he did not care to elaborate on.

Then Strong Mad told the King of Town to come along. "COME TO THE NORTH!"

The King of Town was indecisive. "Hmmm… does it have an all you can eat buffet?"

Strong Mad said, "YES IT DOES! I THINK?"

As Coach Z was addicted to alcohol and Bubs money, the King of Town had a deep relationship with edibles.

The old man perked up his head and shouted, "Well, if there's an A.Y.C.E.B, I'm going!"

As the eleven beings headed slowly to the van, the King noticed his loyal servant was absent. Pom Pom tried to explain to His Majesty the refusal but he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Please come, fair Poopsmith," the dumb jock said.

The crap scooper shook his head assertively.

"Come or I'll kill you!" said Strong Bad.

The Poopsmith, part monk, damned him for being evil.

"Sensitivity," Strong Sad hinted. He whispered inaudibly to the Poopsmith. The Poopsmith agreed to go upon hearing this.

"What did you tell him bro?" Strong Bad asked in a surprisingly not rude tone.

"I told him he needs a vacation from shoveling…"

"Shell!" Coach Z yelled.

"Feces!" Strong Sad finished, annoyed.

Coach Z said, "Aww… I've always wanted to be a censor like on TV cartoons."

"Well make sure the person is cussing first, you old creep," Bubs joked.

"Old?" Coach Z demanded an explanation. "You're older than me!"

"No I'm not," Bubs bragged.

"You two are both old" Strong Bad remarked.

"No we're not!" they yelled.

Coach Z said, "C'mon let's go to the van already!"

They all piled up in the van and looked around.

Some comments from around:

"Wow this van is really really huge."

"Stop hitting me!"

"I'm not hitting you. smack"

"Leave your brother alone."

"I'm a retro moon pie!"

"I'M SQUISHED!"

"Bubble, bubbly!"

"It cost me $100,000 bucks so don't break it."

"Where's the popcorn?"

"You can't pop corn in a car… stop hitting me!"

"I'm not hitting you! jab"

"NO FIGHTING!"

"The only thing harder than being referee to two little brothers is being referee to ten

annoying creatures!"

"Meh!"

"Sorry, nine."

"I'm not trying to be annoying!"

"That's kind of hard to believe, LITTLE brother."

"But you're hitting me!"

"I am not, kick hitting elbow jab you!"

"Don't hit your brother."

"But I'm not!"

"I saw you!"

"Can I drive? I promise I won't eat a one hundred thirty two million billion Fluffy Puff marshmallows!"

"Don't let Homestar drive! He'll kill us all!"

"Go ahead and drive, Homestar! If it'll kill us all that means me too!"

"You need serious mental help."

"Yeah I know. You know a psychiatrist's number?"

"555-IM-ALIVE"

"Is that number legitimate?"

"No, Homsar said it bro."

"I forgot."

"The Cheat, stop peeing on the seat! I'll need to replace it!"

"Meh-he-he-he-he!"

"THAT'S GROSS!"

"Yum… lemonade!"

The Poopsmith rolls his eyes at his master's disgusting idiocy.

"Are we leaving today or not?"

"Only if I can drive!"

Only the Poopsmith (and Strong Sad) didn't protest.

"How about Pom Pom drives?"

Pom Pom thought about his reputation and declined driving anything bigger than a Porsche.

"Why doesn't my baby brother drive?"

"Because I don't have a license! Mother sabotaged the test car, remember?"

"That was hilarious!"

"She hurt an innocent driving instructor!"

"I know! Isn't she wicked awesome?"

"Why am I compelled to agree with you?"

"I'll drive!"

"Okay, Marzipan. But why should we believe hippies can drive?"

"We 'hippies' use vans for our second-most main method of transportation. You got that, tough guy?"

"Well okay then. I'll be fine with that."

So they drove off upward to Wisconsin.

_Around 40 years ago, Mrs. Carmella Richardson had a son. She loved him very much and cooked for him a lot. Although Wisconsin is pretty chilly, her son always made her feel warm. And hot. Sometimes her son, Ezekiel, who she knew mainly as "Zekie", brought home friends that thought Carmella was the sexiest woman they had ever met. Even at 63 she was very attractive. Her hair is long, tawny, and curly. She grayed only slightly. Her eyes had somewhat of a passionate leer to them. She was almost as thin as her son, but had a large posterior. Her clothes were many and varied. She wore her semicircle glasses "librarian-style". She kept a pet angelfish and a pet sea snail in a fishbowl decorated with a _SONIC THE HEDGEHOG™ _statue (that freaked out the snail). She loved baking pies and younger men. Her son loved younger women. It must be genetic. She recently got a cell phone call from "Zekie" (Coach Z) that he and in addition to two men that were older and a young woman, eight younger men were coming to visit. She was so happy. She was bound to find one that she liked. Her husband was a creep and so she is rumored to have thrown him in Lake Erie but she really just dumped him and then he died in a freak car accident in Illinois. That's how Carmella became available._

Notes:

Birth-states, ages, and past events are all assumptions or my own material. Family is also mine 'cause the Chaps are kind of saying, "Go ahead fan fiction writers! Make parents any way you want to!"

Oh and can anyone catch a reference to a sitcom?

Or a video game (kind of obvious)?


End file.
